By Dr. Eichin Chang-Lim
I was the firstborn in my family, and my parents always expected me to be the perfect sister for my two younger brothers. “You’re the oldest; you must be the model,” my mother always said. Perfectionism was deeply instilled in me—in my behavior, studies and role as a daughter. This expectation is not unusual for the oldest child in my culture.
Determined to study in the USA, I devoted myself to mastering English. In college, I focused intensely on preparing for the TOEFL (Test of English as a Foreign Language) and GRE (Graduate Record Examinations) and applied to American graduate schools. One sultry August day, a year after graduation, I boarded a Korean Airlines flight—my first ever—with my meticulously packed luggage and sky-high expectations.
Despite my best efforts, I faced an unexpected challenge during my journey. To my surprise, airsickness afflicted me throughout the entire trip—a brand-new experience! My entrance to the land of my dreams was Honolulu, Hawaii. Going through customs was uneventful, except it took me a while to close my suitcase after the officer dug his huge hands to the bottom to ensure nothing illegal was inside, undoing my mother’s meticulous packing efforts.
After customs, hungry and disoriented, I rehearsed my line silently in my head a few times, and I was ready. “Can you tell me where the restaurant is?” I asked a passing airport custodian, word by word, with the best pronunciation I could muster. I was confident in my English. I thought I spoke perfect English. The gracious lady pointed to the restroom sign. My “perfect” English was far from perfect.
I had done everything right, I thought. I had prepared. But as I quickly learned, things don’t always go as planned. Like a deflated balloon, I patched up my confidence as best I could and boarded my next flight from Honolulu to Los Angeles, and then on to Dallas-Fort Worth.
It didn’t take long to realize that my English was far from perfect. That first attempt at communication in Honolulu greatly shattered my confidence. Once I arrived on campus, I found myself constantly apologizing for my imperfect English. The more I tried to speak perfectly, the more my tongue stiffened, tangled and stumbled.
One day, in the virology lab, I confessed to my lab partner, “I’m sorry, I don’t speak English well. I’m sorry if you don’t understand me.” To my surprise, he replied, “Don’t think too much about speaking perfectly. Then you can speak well.” This advice became a turning point in my journey.
Thinking about being perfect exhausted me, draining the joy from everything I did. I started to let go of the mentality of pursuing perfection. I stopped scrutinizing my appearance in the mirror each morning to ensure I looked flawless. When I studied, I focused on learning rather than getting perfect grades. I stopped fixating on my accent and imperfect English and enjoyed conversations with classmates and making new friends.
As the burden of perfection lifted, I started to live truly. Whatever I did, I enjoyed the process and put in effort without worrying about achieving perfect results. I stopped worrying about what others thought of me and started living freely. This newfound freedom helped me navigate professional school and my career.
In my profession, when I’m unsure about a case, I consult with colleagues or refer patients to specialists. I don’t pretend to be a perfect clinician.
As a mother, I apologize to my children for making mistakes. I let them know I’m not a perfect mother, even though I try to be.
Without the constant pressure of perfection, I’ve found genuine enjoyment in my friendships and social life. I’ve learned that life isn’t about being flawless; it’s about growing, learning, and embracing our authentic selves. By letting go of the chase for perfection, I’ve discovered a richer, more fulfilling way to live.
Dr. Eichin Chang-Lim is the author of the “Talking About Adolescence” book series for teens, releasing on Oct. 10 just in time for World Mental Health Day. This toolkit provides a scientific understanding of adolescence while also teaching teens how to manage mood swings, conquer stress and unlock their potential. While growing up in a strict household in Asia, Dr. Eichin Chang-Lim didn’t always feel comfortable talking to her parents about mental health, body changes and the chaos of her teenage years. And later in her career as an optometrist, she met countless teens battling depression, eating disorders and addiction without the support of adults. Driven by her
experiences, Dr. Chang-Lim – a teen advocate – is on a mission to help the next generation make healthy decisions, coach parents and educators on having open conversations and decode the chaos of growing up. For more information, visit EichinChangLim.com. You can also follow her on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter (X) and subscribe to her Youtube Channel.
