By Nidhi Agrawal
“Surrender is an incredibly difficult topic in light of chronic illness, because loss is often continued and sustained.”
― Cindee Snider Re, Finding Purpose: Rediscovering Meaning in a Life with Chronic Illness
About two decades ago, my first episode of acute pancreatitis occurred. The searing pain didn’t subside and I was admitted to the Intensive Care Unit for approximately 2-3 weeks. My family had sought the advice of various doctors and had X-rays, ultrasounds, and MRIs performed, which revealed severe pancreatitis and a cyst in the tail of my pancreas. Being a seven year-old child, I could not fathom what was happening with me and around me. The first episode of acute pancreatitis felt like a knife slicing through my upper abdomen, with searing pain radiating to my back, greenish vomit, a quick pulse, a high fever, and nausea.
I vividly recall the frightening Intensive Care Units, the elderly patients, the nurses pushing me to take injections, the needles stabbing my nerves, and so on! The pain persisted and I was operated, which is called Distal Pancreatectomy & Cholecystectomy in medical jargon. Unfortunately, I had experienced several episodes of acute pancreatitis after the surgery was performed due to which I had developed diabetes and atrophy of the pancreas.
The acute suffering has reduced over time, but the chronic pain persists, requiring tremendous inner struggle to endure, exist, and bear the weight of emotional and physical suffering.
Introspection & Self-awareness
My biggest challenge was to confront my emotions and be more aware of myself. Of course, self-awareness is an unending process, but, once you embark on the journey towards self-improvement and finding yourself, life becomes beautiful and you acquire the art of living in the present. It involves creating a perpetual balance between introspection & self-awareness. In “The First and Last Freedom”. J. Krishnamurti says:
“1. Introspection leads to frustration, to further and greater conflict; whereas awareness is a process of release from the action of the self; it is to be aware of your daily movements, of your thoughts, of your actions and to be aware of another, to observe him.
2. Introspection, which is a form of self-improvement, of self-expansion, can never lead to truth, because it is always a process of self-enclosure; whereas awareness is a state in which truth can come into being, the truth of what is, the simple truth of daily existence that we can go far.”
Bhakti: Towards Profound Transformation & Liberation
To remove the darkness from my heart, I read, and meditate on Mother Kali and Lord Shiva. This has nothing to do with spirituality; it is not even linked with religion. It’s Bhakti (devotion) that leans on the powerful forces of attraction and energy. This practice helps uncover a true face, representing the wisdom that stimulates profound transformation and liberation. It reveals your fears, pain, and suffering, showing you that when you finally let these emotions arise and be, you begin to heal, overcome your fears, and attain love and happiness.
For me, Bhakti starts with curiosity, travels forward to exploring spaces, and culminates in more questions about the divine. There are days when pain becomes voracious and aches for healing and answers to interminable questions. Then, there are days when you absorb nothingness into your bodily existence. Under both circumstances, your heart lusts after a magic bullet and yearns for the magical touch. This yearning crashes into the ocean of sweet spots in our bodies and demands “sight” of God. This is Bhakti, when you are blindfolded with love for the “Godhead”.
Bhakti denotes “affection, involvement, fondness for, adoration, faith, love, devotion, worship, purity” in Sanskrit. It describes a devotee’s devotion and affection for a personal god or a representational god. The phrase simply denotes participation, dedication, and affection for any endeavor in ancient literature such as the Shvetashvatara Upanishad, while it connotes one of the possible routes of spirituality and towards moksha in the Bhagavad Gita, as in “bhakti marga” (path).
As I see it, one of the ways to connect with the “Godhead” is poetry. Sacred poetry is thus a unique means of communicating with the supernatural and passing on esoteric information.
Spirituality & Faith: A Path Towards Healing
My propensity for spirituality is greatly influenced by my upbringing. I spent a lot of my childhood seeing my grandparents read from the Holy scriptures and talk about the relationship between the mind, body, and spirit. The constant exposure to prayers cultivated a belief that Healing and a sense of well-being can be facilitated by the constructive beliefs, compassion, and strength found in spirituality, meditation, and prayer. While enhancing your spiritual wellbeing won’t always make you healthier, it can help you feel better and deal with illness.
I have discovered that this practice helps uncover a true face, representing the wisdom that stimulates profound transformation and liberation. It reveals your fears, pain, and suffering, showing you that when you finally let these emotions arise and be, you begin to heal, overcome your fears, and attain love and happiness.
Nidhi Agrawal grew up in India. Nidhi’s works have appeared in various publications, including University of San Fransisco, The Elevation Review, California State Poetry Society, Yale University, University of Tennessee, Chronogram Media, South Asian Today, etc. Her work stems from the distinct theories illustrated in religious texts such as the Vedas. She has worked on the concept of Ardhanareeswara, and psychological disorders and her pieces are coordinated amicably with different subjects such as natural disasters, agonies, complex realism, and profound affairs of day-to-day life. Subsequently, she writes as she talks to God.
