
By Robin Stern, Ph.D.
Every Saturday morning, Emily loved to sleep in, savoring the chance to rest after a busy work week. At first, her husband, Mark, didn’t mind her staying in bed past noon, but as time went on, his feelings changed. What Mark once saw as well-deserved rest he now viewed as laziness, and he began making passive-aggressive comments, asking Emily why she couldn’t get up earlier or hinting at how much more they could accomplish if she were a little more active.
Mark’s judgment made it hard for him to see things from her perspective, and Emily felt hurt and misunderstood. They started arguing more, and soon, a rift was created between them. Emily and Mark, like so many other couples, discovered how easily low-stakes judgments can chip away at a healthy relationship.
Why Are We Judgmental with Those We Love?
Judgment itself isn’t necessarily harmful. We make hundreds of judgments every day–Should I text my mom back now or later? Do I tell my boss the truth about being late to work? Should I cook or order-in for dinner? Judgment calls can help us stay true to our priorities and values, and being judgmental can sometimes come from a place of concern or fear for the person we are judging. But knowing when to voice a judgment–whether it’s about something small like sleeping in, or something bigger like physical and emotional safety—can be tricky.
When we think that someone else’s choices aren’t as good or as virtuous as our own, or when we impose our standards on others—even if we mean well—judgment can turn into “judginess.” In intimate relationships, this often shows up as two trust-destroying forces: moral superiority and contempt. The need to be superior is often a mix of feelings like envy, jealousy, anger, low self-esteem, or even a sense of grandiosity. Being judgmental can make someone feel more in control, even if just for a moment, and criticizing another person lets the “judger” feel more secure and righteous.
On the Receiving End: How to Handle Judgmental Behavior from Your Partner
If you find yourself at the receiving end of a judgment, here’s how to handle it:
- Use “I” statements to express how judgments affect you. For example, in response to a hurtful comment, say, “I feel hurt when you criticize me because it makes me feel unappreciated.” This way, you avoid blaming your partner and instead open the door to a more constructive conversation. Encourage open and honest dialogue without throwing the judginess back at your partner, no matter how tempting it might be.
- Identify recurring topics or situations that provoke judgment. Take note of them, write them down, and come up with strategies to handle these situations calmly. Knowing what might trigger judgmental responses can help you manage or even avoid conversations that could turn into conflicts. For example, personal habits, financial decisions, or certain family relationships are common sources of tension. Agreeing in advance on respectful ways to discuss these topics can help everyone feel heard without feeling put down.
- Practice self-reflection to understand why these judgments trigger you and how you can stay emotionally steady in the face of criticism. While your partner works on being less judgmental, it’s important to manage your own feelings constructively. This could involve self-care and mindfulness techniques to build your resilience and prevent judgmental comments from shaking your self-esteem. Remember, judgmental behavior often comes from the other person’s insecurities, so try to separate their actions from your sense of self-worth.
- Pause and breathe to bring yourself to calm. When faced with judgmental commentary, it’s crucial to take a moment to pause and breathe deeply. This simple act helps you center yourself, allowing you to choose a regulation strategy that honors and manages the big feelings that may come up when hearing your partner’s words. The Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence calls this a “Meta-Moment,” or taking the space and time to channel your best self. By calming your nervous system, you can respond with greater clarity and emotional stability, rather than reacting impulsively.
- Consider walking away when judgment becomes too overwhelming. Sometimes, the best way to handle judgmental behavior is to temporarily remove yourself from the situation. If a conversation starts to feel too critical or emotionally charged, it’s okay to say, “I need to take a break and revisit this later.” Walking away can prevent escalation, giving both partners time to cool down and reflect before re-engaging in a more positive and productive conversation.
On the Giving End: How to Overcome Your Own Judgmental Behavior
What if you realize that you’re the one who’s become a bit too judgy? Thankfully, just as there are two harmful forces that can damage a relationship (contempt and moral superiority), there are two healing ones: curiosity and empathy. Here’s how to embrace them when you’re on the giving end of judgment:
- Practice engaged listening. Curiosity is a powerful antidote to judgment. Instead of forming judgments based on incomplete information or assumptions, make an effort to truly listen to your partner’s perspective without interruption. Active listening means being fully present in the conversation and showing empathy toward your partner’s feelings. To really understand someone, start by asking questions and listening carefully to their responses. (Why do you feel that way? How did I contribute to that feeling?)
- Enhance your self-awareness. Recognizing that judgment often comes from unresolved issues or insecurities is an important first step. Reflect on how these personal challenges might be shaping perceptions of your partner. By addressing your own insecurities or areas for growth, you can better prevent emotions like anger, envy, or jealousy from taking over a conversation that should be rooted in love.
- Reframe judgmental thoughts. Instead of stewing in annoyance, thinking, “What’s wrong with them? It’s like they can’t do anything right,” try a more constructive approach: “I know this is a challenging new experience for them. How can I be supportive?” or “Maybe it’s best if I take a step back in this situation.” Shifting your perspective can turn judgment into a problem-solving mindset, encouraging more collaboration or empathy rather than unhelpful criticism.
- Choose compassion over judgment. Whenever you catch yourself starting to judge your partner, pause and ask yourself, “What if I approached this with compassion instead?” Compassion means seeing things from your partner’s point of view and recognizing that they, too, have their own struggles and challenges. By replacing judgment with understanding and kindness, you can create a more supportive and loving environment, strengthening your relationship rather than pulling it apart.
- Select an emotion regulation strategy that serves both you and your partner. When you feel judgmental thoughts starting to bubble up, choose a strategy that helps you calm down while also considering your partner’s feelings. For instance, take a “kindness vitamin” like the one suggested by the How We Feel app—a moment to intentionally focus on kindness toward your partner. This practice can shift your emotional state from irritation to warmth, leading to a more positive and supportive interaction between you both.
Whether you’re on the giving or receiving end of judgment, changing deeply ingrained behaviors takes time and effort, consistent and transparent communication can gradually strengthen the psychological safety and trust of your relationship. Overcoming judgment requires a deliberate shift in mindset and behavior. It calls for perspective-taking and positivity so that we may respond with kindness and curiosity rather than with contempt. Retreating to moral superiority creates divides, but these practices bridge them, nurturing relationships that are built to thrive, not just survive.

Robin Stern, Ph.D., is the co-founder and senior adviser to the director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, a psychoanalyst in private practice, the author of “The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide” and the host of “The Gaslight Effect”.