By Melli O’Brien
Life is unpredictable. Challenges come when we least expect them—whether it’s a setback at work, a tough conversation, a personal loss, or just the daily stress of modern life. Some people seem to navigate these difficulties with a sense of strength, positivity, and steadiness, while others feel overwhelmed, anxious, and stuck. So what makes the difference between those who struggle and those who stay strong?
Decades of psychological research show that it’s not what happens to us, but how we respond to what happens to us that determines our resilience, well-being, and overall quality of life. This is good news because no matter the situation, we always have the power to choose our response—and that choice can shape the course of our lives.
I speak from personal experience, as the struggles in my life have enabled me to form deep resilience to whatever life throws my way. I grew up, in some ways, very blessed. In the small town of Mullumbimby, Australia, I grew up riding horses with my brothers, running around barefoot in the forests and fields, eating oranges and berries from trees, and swimming in the creek with friends. It was idyllic. But there was also darkness — a shadow over my life that I couldn’t shake.
By the age of seventeen, trauma from my childhood had pulled me down into depression. I developed an eating disorder and was full of hurt, confusion, and self-hate. I was unable to concentrate at school and unhappy at home. Eventually, I hit a crisis point. I was in so much pain that I had to make a decision. Either I take my own life or find out if it’s possible to be free of this pain. I chose life.
I had no idea where to start, so I went to the school library and started reading everything I could find on how to be happy. I read books saying you could train your mind to let go of suffering and stress. What I realized was that inner strength was a skill. Something I could learn. It was game-changing.
So I went and found a meditation course where I started to train my mind in new ways. I learned how to step back from my negative thoughts and transform my relationship with them. What followed was a series of breakthroughs that totally changed my mind, healed me in profound ways, and ultimately changed the course of my entire life.
Over time, as I continued my journey, I started learning all kinds of mental strength skills. I also started to understand that not only could I ease my suffering and stress but I could also access inner peace, a profound sense of wellbeing, resilience, and mental clarity.
After years of my own inner work, this fueled my passion for helping others. I went on to teach mindfulness and mental resilience skills to thousands of people worldwide.
Over the years of teaching the world changed. Things got harder and harder as challenges in the world began to rise, test, and confront us in new ways — from pandemics, to war to climate change and technological disruption. And then I went through a chapter two of my own personal story that hit me like a ton of bricks.
After years of teaching mindfulness and mental resilience for many years, I went through a painful period of life that brought me to my knees and revolutionized my perspective on what it means to have inner strength. Three deaths, a divorce, a chronic illness, a heart wrenching conflict, and breakdown. It was a deeply humbling time for me. It was also very insightful.
And it was during this time I realized there was something BIG missing from the way resilience was being taught in the mainstream. It was only after much research, experimentation, interviewing and practice that the missing piece clicked into place for me. I tapped into a state I call ‘deep resilience’. And created a framework to unlock it that is practical, robust and simple to use.
So I developed The Deep Resilience Method. A psycho-spiritual framework to help other people find an unshakable source of strength no matter what life is throwing your way. The most rewarding part of my life has been watching others experience the same kind of breakthroughs I did when I applied this method in my own life.
Inner strength isn’t about pushing through, getting rid of negative thoughts, or ignoring difficult emotions. It’s about training your mind to handle challenges in a more flexible, helpful, and skillful way. Below, I’ll share four simple yet transformative ways to start building mental strength in your daily life—starting today.
1. Set “Thinking Time” to Break the Overthinking Cycle
Have you ever noticed how your mind latches onto a problem, spinning in circles, replaying the past or worrying about the future—without actually solving anything? Overthinking can masquerade as problem-solving, but in reality, it often just amplifies stress, keeps us stuck, and drains our mental energy. A simple yet powerful way to break free from the overthinking trap is to schedule “thinking time.”
- Set aside 10-15 minutes each day as your designated problem-solving session. During this time, write down your concerns, explore solutions, and make decisions.
- When overthinking creeps in outside of this time, remind yourself: I don’t need to think about this now—I’ll think about this during my next session.
By training your mind to engage with thoughts on your terms, you can prevent them from hijacking your entire day. This shift creates mental clarity, reduces stress, and frees up energy for what truly matters.
2. Regulate Stress in 60 Seconds with Your Breath
When stress hits, your body responds as if you’re in danger—triggering the fight-or-flight response. Your heart rate increases, your muscles tense, and your thoughts start racing. While this response was useful for our hunter gatherer ancestors for escaping physical threats, it often works against us in modern life. One of the fastest ways to deactivate stress and regain control of your emotions is through intentional breathing.
Try this simple exercise:
- Inhale deeply for 4 seconds
- Hold your breath for 4 seconds
- Exhale slowly for 8 seconds
Repeat for 60 seconds and notice the shift.
This technique signals to your nervous system that you’re safe, helping you feel grounded and in control. It’s a tool you can use anywhere—before a big meeting, during a difficult conversation, or anytime you feel overwhelmed. Resilience isn’t about never feeling stress—it’s about knowing how to reset and regulate it.
3. Ask: “What Would My Strongest Self Do?”
In tough moments, it’s easy to fall into fear-based thinking, self-doubt, or old reactive habits. But what if, instead of acting from a place of worry or uncertainty, you tapped into your wisest, strongest self?
Next time you’re faced with a difficult situation, ask yourself:
- What would my strongest, wisest version of myself do at this moment?
- What action aligns with the kind of person I want to be deep down?
This small but powerful question shifts your mindset from fear to clarity and purpose. It reminds you that you have inner wisdom and strengths to draw from—even when things feel uncertain. When practiced regularly, this habit helps build confidence, self-trust, and a deep sense of resilience.
4. Turn Self-Criticism Into Self-Compassion
The way you speak to yourself mentally matters. If you constantly criticize yourself, you’re not just diminishing your self-esteem—you’re making it harder to find your strength too. Studies show that self-compassion increases resilience, reduces stress, and improves overall well-being. Being kind to yourself doesn’t mean ignoring mistakes—it means learning from them without tearing yourself down.
- Notice when your inner critic shows up. Pay attention to the way you speak to yourself, especially in moments of struggle.
- Ask: “Would I say this to a friend?” If not, reframe it and speak to yourself with kindness and care.
- Remind yourself: “I’m doing the best I can, and that’s enough.”
The strongest people aren’t the ones who never fall—they’re the ones who know how to lift themselves back up.
Inner strength isn’t something most of us are born with—it’s a skill, like learning to read and write. It’s something you build, step by step. By setting boundaries for your thoughts, regulating stress, making values-based decisions, and treating yourself with kindness, you strengthen your inner foundation—one small action at a time. When life’s challenges come? You’ll be ready.
Melli O’Brien is a best-selling author and internationally renowned mental health educator and coach. She has spent nearly two decades helping people develop mental strength and her work has helped over a million people. Her new book, ‘Deep Resilience‘, shares a four-step method to break free from stress and unlock unshakable inner strength. You can find more at www.melliobrien.com. Follow Melli on Facebook and Instagram, subscribe to her Youtube Channel, and listen to her Deep Resilience podcast.
