Photographer And Author Explores Lifelong Battle With Depression In New Book ‘Why Am I Sad’

By Dana Stirling

Depression affects nearly 280 million people worldwide. Among that staggering number, there is me.

I’ve asked myself many times, “Why am I sad?” It’s a question that feels simple on the surface, but its depths are endless. Maybe my sadness runs in my blood—a genetic legacy passed down like the color of my eyes. Or perhaps it’s stitched into the fabric of my family, a thread that binds me to my mother in an invisible, melancholic knot. Ironically, it might be the one bond we truly share, this intangible sorrow that drapes over both our lives.

I grew up in a small town, the daughter of immigrant parents, living a life caught between two worlds.I was a cultural chameleon, blending in where I could but never feeling entirely at home in either world. This duality left me adrift, constantly searching for solid ground amidst the shifting tides of identity.

In this search, loneliness became my constant companion. Whether I was alone in my room or surrounded by a crowd, the feeling was the same—a profound sense of isolation. Home offered no refuge. Instead, it magnified my stress, anxiety, and sadness.

My mother’s battle with clinical depression cast a shadow over my youth, though at the time, I didn’t fully understand it. To me, her sadness seemed like a natural extension of my own, as if it were simply a part of our shared reality. It wasn’t until much later that I began to grasp the depth of her struggle and its impact on my own mental health.

As a teenager, I often retreated to my room, a space that became both a sanctuary and a prison. Days blurred into nights, and the walls seemed to close in on me. I felt trapped, buried under an invisible weight. In those moments, photography became my lifeline.

Armed with a camera, I started to see my surroundings differently. Everyday objects transformed into vessels for my unspoken thoughts. Through the lens, I could articulate emotions I couldn’t put into words. Photography became my secret language, a way to externalize the turmoil inside me.

Each photograph was a silent dialogue between me and the world. Objects, stripped of their mundane purposes, became storytellers.In these still lifes, I found a voice that transcended the limitations of language. The act of capturing these images brought a fleeting sense of relief, a momentary reprieve from the heaviness that surrounded me.

Smile Wall, Vaughn NM. Image by Dana Stirling.

But time has a way of shifting perspectives. Now, years and miles away from that small-town bedroom, I find that the weight of sadness hasn’t left me. It clings to me like a shadow, ever-present and inescapable. Photography, once my refuge, has become something more complicated. It’s both a savior and a tormentor. The act of taking pictures still brings me solace, but it also feels like a burden.

Upside down smiley balloon. Ringtown, PA. Image by Dana Stirling.

When I’m not photographing, I’m consumed by anxiety, a gnawing fear that I’m losing my connection to the medium that once saved me. And when I do pick up the camera, my images seem to echo the sadness that follows me. They are imbued with a weight I can’t quite shake.

Outgrown. Weedsport, NY. Image by Dana Stirling.

Oddly enough, over the past few years, I’ve started noticing happy faces everywhere. They appear in the most unexpected places: on gravestones, on trees, painted on highways, and even scrawled on mailboxes. These symbols of joy and optimism feel almost mocking in their persistence. Their exaggerated grins and wide-eyed cheerfulness seem to taunt me, as if daring me to feel the happiness they promise.

Sunny Side Up, Boonsboro, MD. Image by Dana Stirling.

And yet, I’m compelled to capture them. In my photographs, these faces take on a different tone—their cheerfulness becomes unsettling, a stark contrast to the melancholy that permeates my work. They are both a reminder and a challenge, a symbol of the complexity of human emotion.

Roadside Smile. Bear Mountain-Beacon Hwy, Garrison, NY. Image by Dana Stirling.

“Why am I sad” remains an open-ended question. I don’t seek a definitive answer; perhaps there isn’t one. Instead, I’ve come to accept the question as part of who I am. My sadness isn’t something to be solved; it’s something to be understood, lived with, and maybe even embraced. Through my photography, I explore this intricate relationship with sadness and creativity. Each image is a piece of the puzzle, a reflection of my inner world.

My work is deeply personal, but I hope it resonates with others. In sharing my story, I invite viewers to confront their own emotions, to reflect on the ways we all navigate the complexities of existence. Photography has taught me that beauty and sadness often walk hand in hand. There is a profound truth in capturing the raw, unfiltered moments of life, in finding meaning within the shadows.

This journey hasn’t been easy, but it has been necessary. My photographs are not just images; they are pieces of my identity, fragments of a story that continues to unfold. This is my sadness. It is possible these words will find resonance within you, and if not, perhaps these images will echo louder than any written sentiment.

If you’d like to support this journey, my book, ‘Why Am I Sad’, is available for purchase. By owning a copy, you’re not just holding a collection of photographs—you’re joining a conversation about mental health, creativity, and the shared human experience. Thank you for helping bring this story to life.

Smiley Tree, Manns Choice, PA. Image by Dana Stirling.
Dana Stirling. Image by Jiatong Zoe Lu.

Dana Stirling is a fine art photographer and the Co-Founder & Editor In-Chief of Float Photo Magazine since 2014. Originally from Jerusalem Israel, Dana is now based in Queens New York. Her work has been exhibited in group shows around the world, and her work has been featured in Buzzfeed, The Guardian, European Photography Magazine, PetaPixel, Fast Co. Design, Lensculture, Der Grief Magazine, The Telegraph Newspaper, Israel Ha’yom Newspaper and others. Her book ‘Why Am I Sad’ explores her lifelong battle with depression, which began in childhood as she witnessed her mother’s struggle with clinical depression, and offers a unique perspective on mental health. Through the deliberate, slow process of analog photography, Stirling has discovered a mindful way to process pain, stay present, and find beauty in imperfection. Her book not only chronicles her emotional journey but also offers a visual meditation on mental health, and the healing power of art. You can follow Dana on Instagram and Facebook.