By Patricia Crisafulli
Twenty-five years ago, I stood at a threshold of my dream coming true—literally. I was at the door of a bookstore in the Chicago area, where I lived at the time, ready to enter and give a talk about my first book. Then I saw her.
A woman I did not know was sitting at a high table inside the bookstore, reading my book ‘Remembering Mother, Finding Myself’ (written under my then-name Patricia Commins). She seemed absorbed in the content—a journey for women who, like me, had lost their mothers but had unfinished business in this primary relationship.
Questions started nagging me. What if she hated the book? What if she followed my advice and it didn’t work? And who was I to be giving advice anyway? Fighting the urge to turn around and head back to the parking lot, I continued into the store and delivered my presentation.
My inner demons—the ones that raise self-doubt and lower self-esteem—have accompanied me on my creative journey. Entering a new genre with my first mystery novel and then the sequel (with more to come in my ‘Ohnita Harbor’ series)—and even teaching mystery writing—have done nothing to dispel them.
Many creative people, including some famous ones, experience such insecurities and doubts. After a conversation with a successful writer, a pair of bloggers even came to the conclusion that insecurity is simply part of the creative process: “We feel insecure about the idea that sparks on our minds, we feel insecure about the quality of the first draft, and when we let other people read it we feel insecure about their reactions …”
Many years and a good bit of therapy later, I haven’t been able to silence, let alone defeat, my inner demons. But by naming them I have been able to tame them. Understanding self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-expression—and the lack thereof—have helped me to keep going, despite the chorus of nagging voices.
- Self-Confidence: I came across an article by a psychiatrist, philosopher, and writer who equated self-confidence to having trust and faith in one’s self—“in one’s ability to engage successfully with the world.” My own definition of self-confidence is belief in the doing—in what I’m trying to accomplish. To my rather pleasant surprise I discovered that, when it came to my writing at least, this wasn’t my biggest problem.
To be sure, I’ve faced a lot of rejection, but over many years I’ve learned to turn it into redirection. If you feel a pull toward the creative life, you may have deeper resources than you realize to continue on the path through the inevitable obstacles and setbacks. That knowledge alone can give you confidence in what you were born to create and express.
(What does it mean to W-R-I-T-E? See my video on the importance of “resolution.”) - Self-Esteem: Now this one is a different matter. In fact, someone can be high in self-confidence and low in self-esteem—the “emotional appraisal of our own worth.” Or, as I call it, it’s the inner demon that sneers, “Who do you think you are, Miss Smarty Pants?” Like many creatives, I’ve struggled with having the esteem that values who I am and what I create. Even as I wrote that last sentence, my inner demon piped up with, “Yeah? And you think you should be writing about this?” (Sigh …)
Knowing that this is my biggest and most insidious inner demon enables me to nurture myself not with more doing, but with more affirming being. I try harder to treat myself with kindness, allow myself to rest and restore when I need it, and find joy in what I’m writing because it is an expression of my being as a creative. Does it work? Day by day, it’s what I commit to doing. - Self-Expression: We long to express our thoughts and ideas, put our wildest dreams and most evocative images down on paper or canvas. But then there is the inner demon called self-censure who questions what other people will think and warns us that we’re exposing way too much. Impostor syndrome, writers’ block, stage fright … you name it and you’ll probably face it at some point in your creative journey. And that’s okay. Fighting for your right to self-expression is a battle worth undertaking, reminding you of the importance of finding your courage along with your voice.
As Michele Weldon, one of the wisest writers I know on the subject of honoring our stories, wrote in Writing to Save Your Life, “Write for yourself. Even if in the back of your mind you are hoping to self-publish your book, or be discovered, or be the next Dave Eggers with a bestselling first memoir, don’t write for an audience. Don’t confuse your writing with the need for approval. Write for honesty’s sake. Write for writing’s sake.” In her words there is a potent reminder that we get to do this—we have to do this. If we don’t express ourselves, no one else can or will do it for us.
The creative life is never without fears, doubts, and insecurities, and at times we’ll be our own worst critic. But by naming our inner demons, we can find a way to tame them. We know what we need to give to ourselves—courage and compassion, self-care and self-worth. That’s how we tap into our creativity and keep it flowing.
Patricia Crisafulli is an award-winning writer and a New York Times bestselling author. Her first novel, The Secrets of Ohnita Harbor, was published by Woodhall Press in 2022, and her second, The Secrets of Still Waters Chasm, was published in September 2023.
