By Andrea Torrey Balsara
I’ve become a student of the effects of shame, and I’ve had plenty of study material: myself. As I prepared for the book promotion of the second edition of my young adult novel, ‘The Great & the Small’, I grappled with waves of terror that exceeded mere stage fright and dived deep into shame. This new edition, told through the eyes of teenaged Ananda, reflects my journey of reclaiming memories from buried childhood trauma.
Shame thrives in darkness, in the shadows that we try to hide. It silences us, keeps us small and hidden. What can’t be seen, can’t be hurt. Stepping out and being visible tapped into an old fear–the fear of being seen, of being vulnerable.
Understanding the reasons behind my feelings brought immediate relief. Knowing that this overwhelming fear was a leftover of trauma, and not truth, allowed me to put it into perspective and move through it. Identifying a problem is the first step in dealing with it. Through energy medicine techniques like tapping, I was able to drain off the shame. Now, my nerves for the promotion are just nerves, not a judgement on my worth as a human being.
Self-acceptance means pursuing excellence, while practicing resilience through the inevitable ups and downs of the journey. When the storms come, and shame burns into me, I have been through this cycle enough times to remember that I’ve made it through before, and that after every storm there is greater awareness. As uncomfortable as they can be, the “storms” of mistakes and failures are integral parts of the journey and hold within them lessons that guide us closer to our true selves.
When shame is a big part of our history, we can be brutal on ourselves and others. Demanding perfection can be a way to try to control ourselves, and control life. As I wrote Ananda’s story, it helped me view my past stumbles and mistakes with compassion. I could give the character the compassion and empathy that I had been unable to give myself all those years ago and see myself through new eyes.
You don’t have to have experienced buried trauma to know the burn of shame. We all feel it at different times and for different reasons, but it’s how we deal with it that decides if it silences us or becomes a springboard for growth. For those of us stepping out of shame’s shadow, life unfolds not in a linear trajectory, but in a spiral towards self-acceptance.
This journey includes setbacks into unresolved issues, followed by discoveries that deepen our understanding of ourselves, in a dance that defines our humanity. And if we embrace opportunities for growth, opportunities such as promoting a beloved book, we will eventually find our way to resilient, joyful self-acceptance.
Andrea Torrey Balsara, author and illustrator for children (writing as A.T. Balsara for young adults,) is set to release the second edition of her award-winning YA novel, ‘The Great & the Small’, in September 2024. This edition, available for pre-order, portrays her personal journey from darkness to light through the protagonist’s eyes. Alongside her writing & illustrating, Andrea engages in school presentations and motivational speaking. For more on Andrea’s books, speaking engagements, and energy medicine resources, visit www.torreybalsara.com. Connect with her on Instagram, Twitter (X), and Facebook.
MORE ABOUT THE BOOK: Ananda is a troubled teen who feels like a misfit at home and at her new school, and her unusual ability to connect with animals makes her feel like even more of an outsider. Still raw from the death of her grandmother, Ananda’s dreams are haunted by a long-buried memory that causes her to push people away. Fin is a Tunnel rat who lives in the passages beneath the city, in the dark places humans overlook or despise. Orphaned as a pup, he is the nephew of the Tunnel’s charismatic leader and is willing to please his uncle, including being his lead henchman. When Ananda protects Fin during a chance encounter in the market, neither can foresee how their lives will forever be inextricably linked, but as the Chairman launches a plague war against the humans, both Fin and Ananda wrestle with secrets so terrible that they threaten their very existence.Told as mirroring narratives that reverberate with the effects of buried trauma, and informed by historical accounts of plague and dictatorship, this stunning tale examines what it takes to grasp for light in the darkness and survive the threats both beyond us and within us.
