By Sarah Jacobs
Living together before marriage used to carry a negative societal stigma, but it’s become common—even expected—for many couples today.
But what about living together after marriage?
There’s a trend involving cohabitation and relationships—one that’s turning the traditional concept of the divorce process on its head. Instead of slamming the literal door, more and more people are opting to live together during and after their divorce.
This idea might seem out of the question for many, especially for high-conflict relationships. After all, isn’t the reason for seeking a divorce to live your own separate life without that person?
But for some, the question isn’t as simple as that.
What factors contribute to living together during divorce?
In today’s economy, living with your ex might make sense while figuring out your divorce. Splitting into two households can double expenses—rent, utilities, and even basic living costs add up quickly. Staying under the same roof can ease the immediate financial burden, allowing parties to avoid sinking into (or further into) debt or depleting savings accounts.
Living together can also buy time for both spouses to make divorce-related financial decisions, like whether they’ll sell their home or how their overall marital assets will be divided. In some cases, couples find that this arrangement can help reduce the stress of rushing into decisions with lasting consequences.
It’s not just finances that influence this decision, though. Some divorcing parents’ primary goal is to minimize disruption for their children.
Rather than navigating the challenges that come with living in two households, children can maintain some stability in the rollercoaster of divorce. Note that this approach differs from nesting—a living situation where divorcing parties keep children in the family home while the parents rotate between separate homes. Instead, everyone stays in the family home, setting appropriate boundaries and establishing a new normal.
Four tips for living together during divorce
Living together during this big life transition might seem unconventional, but with careful planning and communication, divorcing couples can make it work for their families. It’s important to consider whether this is really a viable option for your family; if your divorce is high-conflict, involves toxic personalities, or domestic violence, this may not be a path for you.
If you’re considering this option, consult your attorney. They can help you understand the potential implications of your decision, such as how continuing to live together might affect property division, spousal support, and custody arrangements. For example, if custody is a major concern, working with a full custody law firm can provide valuable insights into safeguarding your rights and preparing for future parenting agreements.
It’s also important to have strategies for minimizing conflict. Here are four tips that can help.
1. Create a new budget for cohabitation (and afterward)
Financial planning for cohabitating ex-spouses goes deeper than opening a new bank account or figuring out your new grocery budget. It should account for both managing shared assets and planning for your future.
Managing shared assets
Discuss your available assets and expenses associated with maintaining your home. Having a clear outline makes it easier to fairly divide responsibilities for rent or mortgage, groceries, utilities, and child-related costs.
You should also account for unexpected expenses in your plan for cohabitation. Every household is different, but your divorce attorney can help you determine what is realistic for your situation.
Planning for an independent future
This budget should include savings to allow both parties to be self-sufficient in the future, regardless of alimony or child support agreements that may be under discussion.
Though you are sharing finances by supporting the household’s upkeep, it’s a good idea to set your own goals—e.g., building up your reserves for unexpected expenses or establishing a new retirement savings account—and a plan to achieve them.
Your attorney plays an important role in keeping this focus at the forefront of your mind, keeping your eye on the future you have planned for yourself.
2. Establish clear boundaries
Boundaries are crucial during any divorce, but especially so when you’re living with your ex. They create a framework for respectfully coexisting during a turbulent period of life and make it easier to manage your relationship (and maintain your sanity).
Defining the space
Decide how you’ll share the space. From respecting each other’s privacy to figuring out how you’ll use (or not use) one another’s belongings, clear rules help minimize friction.
You might consider creating a schedule for when each partner will use shared spaces or outlining what is acceptable for using or borrowing one another’s personal belongings. Even small things, like borrowing a computer charger or using their coffee creamer when yours runs out, can spark unnecessary tension, so it’s helpful to set clear boundaries early on.
Depending on your relationship with your soon-to-be ex, mediation can offer a neutral ground for discussing these issues.
Sharing responsibilities
Figuring out (and documenting) who’s responsible for household chores, maintenance, grocery shopping, meal prep (if you’re sharing meals), and handling bills can help prevent resentment later on.
But if shared responsibilities were a sore spot in your marriage, it’s worth considering mediation to create a plan that works for both of you. Mediation can help you have productive, solution-focused conversations instead of getting stuck on past issues.
Factor in social and family dynamics
Marriage often means shared social circles and family relationships—and these relationships can become a sticky issue when you’re cohabiting during divorce.
To reduce conflict, openly discuss such topics, and include how you will handle situations like social activities, dating while cohabitating, and family gatherings.
For example, if your ex wants to spontaneously invite friends over to watch a game or movie, how should they address it with you? Is that allowed, or should it be planned in advance? And if future notice is expected, how far ahead and how should it be communicated?
3. Discuss a parenting time schedule
Even if you’re living with your ex, it’s important to establish a parenting schedule that gives each parent one-on-one time with the children. This should cover daily routines, extracurriculars, and downtime.
Creating this schedule can be complex and emotionally charged, especially in the early stages of separation. An attorney with experience in cohabitation and parenting time can help clarify the legal implications, guide difficult conversations, and protect your rights.
Don’t forget to set a temporary holiday plan. While you might not celebrate together anymore, a clear schedule helps everyone, especially the kids, feel secure and supported.
This type of interim planning sets the stage for negotiating parenting time agreements as part of the overall divorce process.
4. Decide on a timeline
How long will living together last? Whether it’s tied to finalizing your divorce or another agreed-upon date, be transparent about how and when cohabiting will end.
While living together during a divorce may potentially be better for the family in the long run, these situations are complex and unique. Choosing this option requires open and honest communication, respect, and a willingness to adapt.
If you are considering divorce and the potential of living together during the process, it’s important to note that, in some states, there is a requirement that spouses live apart for a certain period before filing. Consult with an experienced family attorney in your state to ensure your living arrangements and cohabitation plans comply with divorce laws.
Sarah Jacobs is the Co-Founder of Jacobs Berger, LLC, a boutique divorce and family law firm located in Morristown, New Jersey. Jacobs is a matrimonial law attorney certified by the Supreme Court of New Jersey and qualified mediator.
