By Patricia Crisafulli
No matter the circumstances of our birth, or who raised us, we have more than one mother. As poet, psychoanalyst, and author Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés observed, we are blessed by the presence and influence of todas las madres—the many mothers. During the month of May, when we traditionally salute motherhood, let’s recognize all those who have nurtured us over the years.
Among the many mothers are those who are related to us; others are part of our extended family of choice. In some cases, these many mothers stepped up out of necessity. Perhaps, as was my case in my 20s, a mother died. Or, due to illness, addiction, or other circumstances, some mothers simply cannot raise their children. And even when we enjoy a warm and healthy relationship with our mothers, we can receive nurturing and support from the broad circle of todas las madres.
I first reflected on the importance of the many mothers when I was on the cusp of turning 40, nearly 25 years ago. My mother had been dead for 14 years at that point, and I was researching what became my first book: Remembering Mother, Finding Myself: A Journey of Love and Self-Acceptance. As I read Dr. Estés’s book Women Who Run with the Wolves, one passage in particular stood out: “Even if you had the most wonderful mother in the world, you may eventually have more than one … You are born to one mother, but if you are lucky, you will have more than one. And among them all you will find what you need.”
That last line—among them all you will find what you need—went through me like an electrical charge. All around us is a broad circle—spanning ages, genders, and connections—willing to provide love and nurturing. And for those of us who walk the creative path, the affirmation of todas las madres is essential for finding our voices and pursuing our dreams.
An Extended Family of Nurturers:
Years ago, when people tended to stay close to the family homestead, it was commonplace to be raised within a community of siblings and cousins by parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and sometimes older brothers and sisters. This is the classic extended family which can still be found in traditional cultures. In Italy, for example, la famiglia is composed of a large, close-knit group—who sometimes live in one household or at least in close proximity. Today our extended family may be more virtual than proximate, but when we reach out across miles and generations, we know someone will be there.
Your Mother—Through Another Lens:
Sometimes we need help navigating our relationships with our mothers. That’s when the many mothers can intervene or interpret, even long after the fact.
When I was a teenager and announced my intention to become a writer, my mother immediately retorted with, “Well, you better learn how to type so you can support yourself.” Crushed, I saw this as evidence that my mother didn’t believe in my dream. I harbored this hurt for years, long after my mother had died.
Enter Aunt Jeanne, my mother’s younger sister, who helped me contextualize that hurtful comment. Given her daily life experience in rural New York State, my mother simply couldn’t fathom one of her daughters ever having a chance to become a professional writer (even though, ironically, her father’s cousin was Edna Jaques, a famous Canadian poet). But to my mother, becoming a writer felt like a risky dream.
“Your mother was proud of you,” Aunt Jeanne—my No. 1 other mother—used to tell me. “But she didn’t know how to encourage your ambitions. I think she was afraid of them.”
With that change in perspective, I reframed my mother’s comment in a way that could serve me. I never gave up on my dreams, yet always made sure I could support myself, first as a journalist and now as a communications consultant. Today, I’m also a fiction writer and a mystery novelist. My mother may not have given me that vision of a multifaceted life, but I can choose to share a little of the credit with her for balancing the practical and the creative.
I’ve also used this reframing to help develop my protagonist, Gabriela, in my first mystery, The Secrets of Ohnita Harbor. Her Italian American mother, Agnese, is sharp-tongued and judgmental at times, and tension crackles between the two women. But in one pivotal scene, my main character tells her friends the origin of her full name: Gabriela Annunciata, after the archangel Gabriel.
When one friend teasingly asks, “What do you annunciate?” Agnese speaks up: “The truth. She speaks her mind, even as a little girl. Not what she wants, but what she thinks.”
And there it is—the proof that Gabriela is seen and understood by her mother, more than she ever realized.
Mothering We Never Outgrow:
Our need for nurturing does not stop when we come of age (whatever that age might be). It is a constant in our lives—just as, we hope, the presence of other mothers will be. As Dr. Estés wrote, “Your relationships with todas las madres, the many mothers, will most likely be ongoing ones, for the need for guidance and advisory is never outgrown, nor, from the point of view of women’s deep creative life, should it ever be.”
For all of us, the influence of other mothers is a deep need and a right to the supplemental support we crave. And as we walk a creative path—as writers, musicians, artists, dancers, and dreamers in every form of expression—we do so in the company of todas las madres.
Patricia Crisafulli is an award-winning writer and a New York Times bestselling author. Her first novel, The Secrets of Ohnita Harbor, was published by Woodhall Press in 2022, and her second, The Secrets of Still Waters Chasm, was published in September 2023.
