By Tami Imlay
For years, I mistook achievement for purpose. The degrees, the promotions, the applause…they were proof that I was strong, capable, and worthy. Growing up in a military family and joining the military myself — the accolades and approval came from doing more, being more, serving…more.
Until one day, all the proving in the world couldn’t hold me together anymore. That one day that everything was stripped away and I was left with the question…” what now? Who am I…now?” I was sitting on the floor, tears streaming down my face, and my two toddlers were tapping me on the shoulder, asking, “Mommy, what’s wrong?” “Mommy, I’m hungry.” “Mommy, who are those men?”
The questions were innocent enough, but at that moment, I had no strength to answer. At that moment, my thoughts whirled around and then became eerily silent. No one had prepared me for this. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I had done everything RIGHT, checked ALL the boxes- honors, degrees, a great job, and a thriving marriage and family. I had a great life…I knew who I was, what I was called to do…AND I got the knock on the door.
My husband, Dee, was an F-15E Fighter Pilot. He was a family man, smart, driven, funny — and our world. I have always been independent, and we joked about how we were independently dependent on each other. He had just left for his 6-month deployment. I had experienced deployments before; being a solo mom was nothing new. We had this. He was gone for 2 weeks… two weeks, and now… forever.
When Everything Falls Apart
To say this moment wrecked me is an understatement. It wrecked me and awakened me all at once. What I didn’t know then was that leadership —real, authentic, impactful leadership —would begin in that wreckage. That moment fueled something inside me that became the starting point for the legacy I’m still building today.
Grief stripped away every title I used to define myself (officer, wife, achiever, overcomer) and what I had left was a question every high achiever eventually faces in silence: who am I without proving? I didn’t have the energy to prove anymore. Who was I proving to? What did it get me? No amount of proving or accolades could shield me from this pain.
I had a choice to make. I had to choose my “hard”. Keep performing for a world that had just proven how fragile success could be, or embark on the unknown, a path with no clear map, no finish line, and no guarantee of who I would become on the other side.
Redefining Leadership and Legacy
As someone who has never given up, the only true option was to embark on the unknown and create a life for myself and my kids that I got to define instead of succumbing to the circumstances. My first step was to discover who I was. I was more than the hats I wore, yet I hadn’t taken the time to define what it meant. I realized that legacy, leadership and identity were intertwined. You can’t truly build a legacy if you didn’t know who you are at your core or what it means to lead.
My definition of leadership shifted and grew. It was no longer about being “the strong one”, climbing the ranks, or pushing through when times were tough. It wasn’t about external validation or what others thought. True leadership became about having the courage to rebuild when everything is falling apart. Legacy is not your name on a building or something you leave to my family; it’s about how you live your daily life and the impact you make. You don’t have to wait for your obituary to leave your legacy. You can embody it right here, right now.
The Quiet Ache of Success
The years that followed became my odyssey, a season of rediscovery, rebuilding and redefining what success meant at its core. But this isn’t just my story. In every office, coffee shop, and late-night conversation with women who look like they’ve “made it,” I hear the same quiet ache.
We’ve been told that success is about achievement, fancy things, and constant forward movement. We’ve built our worth on the titles and hats we’ve collected, how much money we make and how much we can juggle. We’ve worn “busy” as a badge of honor. And we are exhausted. Somewhere along the way we bought into the lie that how our life “looks” determines who we are and what we are capable of. We lost sight of who we are and our divine purpose.
From Proving to Becoming
What if success isn’t about how much we achieve or collect? What if it’s about how intentionally we choose to live?
I stopped asking, “What am I supposed to do next?” and started asking “Who am I becoming?” And I challenge you to ask the same question too. Because that is the REAL question of legacy. It’s not an empire you build on titles you earn; it’s about the kind of person you are becoming on the journey.
I did not stop dreaming or going after my goals. You do not have to either. But now…NOW it’s time to move with intention. Grounded in who we are and not what others say we “should do.” Lead with presence. Build with a vision. And move forward with grace and strength.
Because the truth is, the life you live IS your legacy. It’s not about proving your worth, it’s about leading from it. The legacy that matters most is already in motion. It’s deep inside you waiting to be unleashed from within. It’s the way you show up…in the conference room or the breakfast table, with your team or your people. It’s waking up every morning with a joy and ease that comes not from applause but from alignment. You don’t find your legacy, you live it. You become it. One intentional choice at a time.
Tami Imlay is an International Speaker, Executive Coach, and Leadership & Identity Strategist who helps high-achieving leaders stop proving and start leading with purpose. A U.S. Air Force veteran who served in Operation Iraqi Freedom and Enduring Freedom, she combines 20 years of leadership experience with an MBA and a Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy. Through her signature SHINE™ framework, Tami helps senior leaders, executives and entrepreneurs align their purpose and identity to build lives and businesses that create lasting impact. If this message spoke to you, connect with Tami on LinkedIn or visit her website to learn how to live and lead with clarity, confidence, and conviction. Follow Tami on Instagram, Facebook, and subscribe to her Youtube channel.
