By Phoebe Rogers
We all know the type. The romantic partner who was initially warm and charismatic, then becomes cold and detached. The emotionally avoidant one, who makes you feel like you’re needy. The one who can’t prioritize you. The partner who gives you the silent treatment, and so you lay awake at night, filled with anxiety, wondering if you’ll hear from them again. Then there’s the one you end up taking care of, but the love you give is never enough. And if not a partner, it’s the friend who only talks about herself, showing little interest in you.
At the start of your relationship, you gave patience and empathy. In the end, you have accepted the bare minimum. And when the hurt became too big, you had to walk away, or risk losing yourself (and your sanity) further.
Finally, you move forward with determination and clarity. You feel so sure, “I’ve learned my lesson!” and will never accept or tolerate such treatment again. If only it worked that way.
Despite the lesson, your new, healthy boundaries, and the knowledge that you deserve better, you somehow find yourself in another relationship that feels all too familiar. The past that you swore you’d never repeat is here again. Now, please don’t beat yourself up. It’s a story I hear regularly and a pattern that can be changed. So, let’s talk about why it happens and how to actually stop attracting the same type of person into our lives- for good!
The Pull of The Familiar
Our early life experiences create a relationship template, and we adopt a coping style to keep the relationship. After all, we need relationships to survive. A moody parent? We become easy-going, agreeable, needless. An emotionally distant one? We focus on doing more, hoping to be seen. Parents in conflict? We anticipate abandonment. Our coping style becomes a role we play in all our relationships. We gravitate to what is familiar, rather than what is good for us. In our partners, our friends, and even our flatmates and work colleagues. We get pulled into a dynamic and only notice it later, often when serious emotional damage has been done.
Clearly, it’s not enough to say “lesson learned”; to have done some self-reflection, and moved on. These patterns are far deeper than that. They kept us safe in the past, but are no longer working. You must take this understanding and turn it into daily actions, choices and behaviors that steer you towards healthy relationships. Whether it’s in dating, friendships, or the workplace, here are the necessary steps to take:
Deeply Understand Your Relationship Patterns
Go back to your childhood, and understand it’s impact on your relationship patterns: What were you shown about love? What were the lessons about trust, depending on others, vulnerability, emotions, and having needs? Did you feel like you mattered? What role did you adopt early on in your relationships?
- Were you the one who came last and took care of everyone else’s needs? Your pattern of self-sacrifice may play out in the present, creating lopsided relationships where you’re giving but rarely receiving.
- Did you feel alone often? If so, emotionally unavailable partners who abandon you in times of need feel familiar.
- Were you always criticised? If so, consider how your relationship patterns and partner choice contribute to you never feeling enough. Is there a lack of warmth and encouragement?
Understand Your Part in The Present Pattern
Whether you’ve minimized your needs, struggled to be vulnerable, played the peacekeeper, or accepted inconsistency, you’ve played a part. Your human longing for love and connection has kept you stuck. Through understanding comes self-compassion, and a new way forward.
Commit to Doing Differently
Ask yourself: What are the behaviors that have kept me stuck in these relationships? Was I too kind, understanding, and empathic? (often we’re told that’s the ‘adult’ thing to do, when it’s a trauma response). Did I focus too much on their struggles, neglecting my own needs? How can I open up more about my needs? What are my boundaries and expectations for being heard and respected? Rather than keeping quiet, will I speak up (and if I’m not heard, do I need to leave)?
How do you want your relationships to feel? Have a clear picture, and even a therapist, to keep you on track. A new response to a difficult person can create a shift. Breathe through the anxiety and remind yourself that your needs matter too.
Listen to How You Feel
This is the most important step. You must get very good to listening to how you feel (emotionally, physically, energetically) in the presence of others. This is vital information. Too often we minimise our feelings, because we’ve been told we’re too sensitive, too anxious, or overreacting. Don’t make this mistake! Your feelings (the ‘gut instinct’) deserves serious attention. Internal alarm bells , whether anxiety or resentment, warrant investigation. And always remember, in a healthy relationship, you will feel calm, safe, and heard.
The relationships you attract and deserve are in your power to shift.
Phoebe Rogers, author of ‘When Will It Happen For Me? A Shame-Free Guide to Finding Love On Your Own Timeline‘, is a highly sought-after Clinical Psychologist, couples therapist, course creator, and author who helps women overcome unhealthy relationship patterns to have a secure, loving relationship. For more information visit www.therelationshipspace.com.au
