By Courtney Deane
“Happily ever after”…does it ever really exist? I think it does, though maybe not in the ways we picture (prince, white horse, riding off into the sunset). No, today’s happily ever afters look more like a life well lived. Like kids that still talk to you, even when they don’t legally have to. Like your tripod rescue dog fiercely wagging his tail when he sees you grab the leash. Like the professional achievement you never thought would be yours, but now you want to scream it from the rooftop.
Whatever the ultimate goal that conjures up “happily ever after” is for you, I promise it’s achievable. Or, at least, some version of it is. But, we all know the cheesy saying, “dreams don’t work if you don’t,” so put on your big-girl pants and let’s get down and dirty.
Bring on the Details
Wanting to be happy is lame. We all want to be happy, but here’s why it’s so elusive: that definition of happiness is different for everyone. Find what lights you up, what a life well lived would look like, then paint that picture as detailed as possible.
For me, it was having a family. That might seem like an obvious and antiquated dream, but it wasn’t for an only child who was orphaned at 27. Yup, ages 11 to 13 were spent helping my dad as he wasted away from ALS, then years 13 to 27 were spent helping my mom as her health deteriorated due to an unhealthy relationship with food that, ironically, took her body away as well. Eventually, she had to use a walker to make it to the bathroom. She was 52.
Building that family I felt I never really had was very important to me, so that was the goal. A partner. Kids. A home. The only thing was, some of the people I dated didn’t seem like they’d make the best fathers. Or they weren’t interested in having kids. Or I had this nagging suspicion that, sure, I could achieve “family” status here, but I’m not sure I want to grow old with this person.
While we can’t predict outcomes, we can do our best to line ourselves up for success. So, leave no stone unturned as you hone in on exactly what you want. Even as your biological clock ticks louder and louder and you realize that as nice and perfect-on-paper as Greg is, he just isn’t “the one.”
Take the Big Steps
Living back in my childhood home in suburbia, I knew there was no chance Mr. Right was simply going to wander into my backyard. So, I moved. To the Las Vegas Strip. Man, was that fun. A few years in, however, I realized that I was no closer to my goal (umm, your dates get on a plane and go back home after, like, four days max). So I moved again.
Now, I certainly don’t mean to say that moving is easy. Or cheap. And I recognize I was in a position of privilege to be able to pick a desired city and plop down new roots there.
But I’d also posit that you have to do what you have to do, distractions be damned. Dating in Vegas was amazing. Unfortunately, achieving relationship status was damn near impossible (at least in my case). So, I accepted that effort didn’t produce the result I wanted, and I moved again.
The moral of the story? Don’t let fun times and/or shiny objects take your time and attention away from the things that truly matter. If you want it badly enough, you have to set these items aside – however uncomfortable – and get to work. Also, if one thing doesn’t work, cut your losses and try again.
Know Failure will Occur
Eventually, I found the man (while traveling myself!) and had a sick wedding standing on a rock in a lake in the middle of nowhere. We enjoyed newlywed life for a bit, then got down to business. No, literally, babies require “business,” if you know what I mean.
Except they didn’t come. It wasn’t happening. Soon enough, we were told kids wouldn’t be possible without fertility treatments. Gut punch. Denial. General pissed-offery.
Prepare for failure as best you can. Whatever your happily ever after, know there will be bumps along the way.
When you’re done crying, get serious with yourself and internally ask if you really, really want this. If so, it’s time to work even harder. Fertility treatments ensued, as did disappointment. My (our) life revolved around multi-vitamins, sober date nights, cutting significantly back on running, which I loved, and feeling my heart break into a million pieces every time someone on Facebook, in People magazine or IRL announced they were pregnant.
Those fuckers.
We also took this time to look at other options. Maybe I could still achieve my goal of that family, but it might look differently than I thought. We considered using donor eggs, as well as foster/adoption, but round three of our treatments produced a healthy baby girl. I feel strongly that pivoting and realizing I had other ways to make this dream happen – that if a biological child never came, it didn’t have to be the end of the road – took the pressure off and might have made the difference in that round.
Accept that the Fairytale Doesn’t Exist (but the Happy Ending Can)
A husband won’t make you (me) happy. Kids won’t do it, either. Happiness and fulfillment need to come from within (cue the cheesy music). I will say, though, that I have taken an immense amount of fulfillment from this now 2-year-old little girl.
There are tons of hard times. And I still can’t get it through my head that, like, you don’t get a break. Ever. But the journey and the struggle have made the victory so much sweeter. Trust me, any IVF mamma will tell you that.
Still, the fairytale isn’t perfect. We tried for a second baby and all we got was heartbreak. I’m still sad about that. I hope I’m not forever, but for now, I am. I wince a little when I see siblings playing, and want to crawl into a hole sometimes when I see how much she enjoys being with other kids.
Plus, my own situation has given me a deep worry for what life will be like for her when we’re not around anymore and she has no siblings to rely on. The thought legit crushes me.
But here we are. Husband. Child. House. I don’t take any of it for granted, and know that the situation could change at any time. I also know, however, that I can only control what I can control.
And taking control of my life, working as hard as I could toward my goal and accepting the knocks along the way while never giving up got the three of us to where we are today. An extremely imperfect family that is nevertheless loving each day as best we can.
There is no prince (or princess) coming to swoop us off our feet and make all our troubles disappear. Whether we get the happy ending we want is up to us, and problems will always persist, but, damn, does it feel good to sit back and say “I did it. I made it happen for myself.”
And they lived happily ever after.
And they lived. I think that might be more accurate. And they really, really lived.
Courtney Deane is a full-time freelance writer and editor. After the deaths of her parents, she worked to turn those tragedies into something beautiful — an effort that inspired her debut novel, “When Happily Ever After Fails” (SparkPress, April 9, 2024). This delightfully funny rom-com proves all tragedies can be rewritten and happiness can bloom where you least expect it. Deane lives in San Diego, California, with her husband, daughter, and rescue dog—her very own happily-ever-after. For more, visit http://www.courtneydeane.com/.
