By Kate Walker
My upbringing taught me to go with the flow and carry on. Sure, this philosophy probably taught me some resilience. It also taught me to tolerate situations that did not serve me. For much of my personal life, I was a people pleaser.
When it came to the holidays, I would never dream of declining a holiday invitation – especially a family gathering. Holiday gatherings with in-laws became more difficult when I was experiencing friction in my marriage. Despite tensions, I did my best to put on a happy face and engage in polite, cheerful conversation. Meanwhile, I just wanted to get the heck out of the party. It became increasingly challenging to act as an enthusiastic guest, when the pretending got harder.
When it came to holiday gatherings as a whole, I realized that I was forcing myself into pretzel shapes to ensure everyone else’s ease and merriment — which in turn, affected my own ease and merriment.
With my wisdom growing over the decades, I began to acknowledge and accept my feelings; I gained the courage to make changes in how I was designing my life experience — And, frankly, not doing things that I didn’t want to do.
Life teaches us lessons and we can choose to learn from these lessons. I realized that I was not honoring my values in how I wanted to feel in these situations. I was becoming attune to my true feelings and was ready to act on it.
I acknowledged to myself that holiday events were challenging. I began to realize it was okay to opt out of the events that didn’t make me feel good. I began to tap into my values and behavior that felt aligned for me. Yes, the holidays are about giving and flexibility, but we should operate with integrity and authenticity. Why attend a party when you’re going to be stewing in annoyance or resentment while sitting in the corner?
In order to feel good we may need to outright decline a party invitation. Or, perhaps drop by for a short period of time to wish people a happy holiday, and then politely excuse ourselves. Excuse ourselves from one room and enter another room. We can let others know how we can show up, and how we can’t, and extend grace for others to do the same.
Below are a few key tips to help you design a holiday that honors and aligns with your boundaries.
1. Know your values
You don’t have to pretzel yourself to navigate family dynamics. Identify what is important to you and commit to take care of yourself in those ways. For example, if you value simplicity, harmony, and health – then maintain your needs and desires in ways that honor those values so that you feel good throughout the family time together. Once I realized that it was ok to honor myself, which may disappoint others’ expectations of me, it was a big turning point. Everyone would be okay if I left a party early.
2. Clearly communicate expectations
In light of being authentic to yourself, let your family members know how you will and won’t participate, help out with, bring and support; and ask them to communicate the same. My mom was an exceptional chef. She prepared and brought delicious and beautiful dishes to every party that she attended. For decades, I felt immense pressure to show up like her. One day, I made it known that my party food offering would be store bought. Count me in for a ready-made dessert. Know your limitations and be clear about it. It’s okay.
3. Be part of the solution
Focus on creating a harmonious environment and plan inclusive activities, share responsibilities among family members and stay flexible, understanding that the goal is to enjoy each other’s company. Sometimes it’s easier to attend a party when the pressure valve is lifted in some way. We can be part of the solution by acting like a leader (which might make it more fun for ourselves anyway). If we help plan activities, do a sink load of dishes, or run an errand for the host, it’s a great way to be of service and feel good in the process.
4. Recognize each other’s contributions
Openly express gratitude for each person’s efforts, whether it’s cooking, decorating, or organizing activities, and perhaps have a moment where everyone shares something they appreciate about each other. Showing appreciation is what exemplary leaders do – and it goes a long way. Be the change and begin those kinds of conversations. Instead of focusing on yourself (especially during challenging holiday events where it’s easy to wallow in misery) put a spotlight on others and make them feel good. It just may lift everyone’s moods.
5. Fostering a culture of grace
We are all human and experiencing so many different things in our lives. While the holidays are a time of giving and high expectations, they should also be a time of extending grace. Some days we can show up feeling like a rockstar (and homebaking 20 pies for the party). Other days, we might be on the brink of tears and crying into our soup. Leaders know when to push. They know when to pull. Let’s tune into how people are feeling and help create a culture of belonging and grace. Everyone will benefit.
Learning to align your values in designing your day can absolutely impact your holiday gathering experiences. It took me decades to finally learn that it was okay to honor myself and my feelings. Yes, I may disappoint a few people in the process, and that’s okay. Our life doesn’t have to be the same book and the same chapters year after year. When I learned that I wanted to manage how I felt – it was a game changer.
I support your desire to make slight shifts or go for a bigger re-design in how you manage family dynamics during the holidays. Change is intentional. You’ve got this!
Kate Walker is an experienced executive consultant, life coach, HR expert, and best-selling author, with over 20 years of senior HR experience at global firms including Nintendo and Publicis. After leaving the corporate world in 2021, she founded Kate Walker Consulting to enhance leaders’ skills, impacting company culture and profits. Her book, Amazon Bestseller ‘A Candid Conversation: Lessons in Life, Love, and Leadership’, combines memoir and guide, offering lessons in self-awareness, empowerment, and success. It details her journey of leaving an unhealthy relationship and leaving her corporate career to create a life on her own terms, inspiring others feeling lost to do the same. You can follow her on Instagram, Facebook and Linkedin.
