By Patricia Crisafulli
Dirty laundry crammed into the duffel bag had squashed the small box with “To Mom, From Pat” written in blue marker on the lid. But inside was one of the best holiday gifts I’ve ever received: a booklet of handmade “gift certificates.” My eyes misted as I flipped through the dozen or so coupons made by my son, then an eighteen-year-old college freshman. A couple of them for movie nights; others for a long walk, lunch out, even for hugs … Twelve years later, I still have them—and, yes, I’ve used them (sometimes more than once).
There was nothing exotic or expensive—rather, afternoon walks to the park, favorite movies watched at home, or new releases we saw at the theater. The value of each outing was measured in memories, stories, and laughs, and to me, they were priceless.
As my gift to you this season—and since I am of “that age”—I offer this list of ideas that might be more pleasing to your mother (or other family members) than another scarf or scented candle.
- Share the experience, but don’t be a martyr. Activities we do with others help us build relationships and create meaning. Interestingly, researchers have found that, even when there is no communication, a “simultaneous experience” can be heightened for all involved just because another person is present. To that body of knowledge, I’ll add my own observation: make it something you both enjoy. Otherwise, it’s going to be very one-sided, leading to boredom at best and martyrdom at worst. Find some common ground that makes an activity or event pleasing for all involved. This year, my shared experience with my son will be cross country skiing for the day. We’ll both take off from work, drive a couple of hours into the Cascade Mountains, ski the trails, and be back to our respective houses by dinnertime. It’s pure joy—for both of us.
- Keep the other person’s preferences in mind. My late mother-in-law was very hard to buy for because of her old-world views around being careful with money. While that made it difficult for us to give her something (“don’t spend your money on me”), we also needed to respect her values. Then one year, I got the idea of an outing: dinner and a movie. My mother-in-law thought restaurants were a waste of money, so we ate at our house. Then we took her to the movie theater. I held my breath when I bought the tickets, but she let me treat her. By the time the previews started, she was having the time of her life including sneaking in a little bag of treats because, in her words, “that candy is junk and too expensive.”
- Ritualize the ordinary. The holidays are filled with to-dos, from shopping to decorating to food preparation. Each of those activities can be ritualized—infused with tradition and storytelling that lifts the ordinary into an extraordinary event. A few years ago, a friend of mine made a date with her mother and her aunts to bake holiday cookies. These were not merely cutouts and brownies—we’re talking those fancy Italian cookies (like cuccidati made from figs and citrus). This all started because my friend had wanted to spend meaningful time with her older female relatives at the holidays, but she got just as much in return. She didn’t just learn how to make the cookies, she tapped into the generational stories that came with them—secret ingredients (the kind one long-ago relative wouldn’t reveal to another), rivalries over who made the best dishes, and all the rest.
- Give a “heart-made” gift. For crafters and do-it-yourselfers, handmade gifts are unique and personal. But don’t think that means only breadboards and beading, pottery and potpourri. Creative compositions are heart-made gifts—a poem, an essay, a song, a story. One blogger observed, “When we give the gift of our writing, we’re giving something that’s precious. We’re giving our: heart and soul, time and attention, high-value artistic creation.” Many years ago, as I began writing creatively, I wrote a story for my father about a childhood memory of the two of us sliding down a huge pile of onions inside a storage warehouse at our farm. My father, a man of few words, didn’t say much as he read it, but the smile on his face and in his eyes was all I needed to receive in return.
- Repeat, throughout the year. Your gift of a shared experience doesn’t have to be sandwiched into a crowded holiday calendar, nor does it have to be “one and done” in December or January. You can make a date for an upcoming experience or ritualize something that you are doing in the months ahead. This is where “life imitates art,” as I draw an example from my latest novel, The Secrets of Still Waters Chasm, in the Ohnita Harbor Mystery Series. When my protagonist, Gabriela, travels to a rural area for an outreach program, she brings along her 76-year-old mother, Agnese—just to get her out of the house. This being a mystery, of course, Gabriela and Agnese get tangled up with some interesting characters, including a green witch who later becomes a suspected murderer. (Fortunately, that doesn’t have to happen on your outing!) But, like Gabriela, you can find a way to include others in what you’re doing anyway. Like that long drive you have to make to pick something up. Add a song list, a picnic lunch, and maybe a stop on the way, and you’ve got yourself an outing.
We know the mantra of the season—it’s better to give than to receive. But as we figure out what to give, we don’t have to head back to the mall. Some of the most treasured gifts are within our grasp—a shared experience, an outing, a story told and listened to. Try adding some of these gifts to your list and see how that can help the holidays become even more meaningful—for you and those you love.
Patricia Crisafulli is an award-winning writer and a New York Times bestselling author. Her first novel, The Secrets of Ohnita Harbor, was published by Woodhall Press in 2022, and her second, The Secrets of Still Waters Chasm, was published in September 2023.
