As the Holidays approach, singles everywhere are dusting off their scripted and overused answers to their family’s annual relationship questions. Whether alone forever, in a situationship or active on the apps, people are looking for ways to dodge the “when are you going to settle down?” questions and “I’m ready for grandbabies!” comments thrown around at the dinner table.
This season, you can find all the talking points you need, as well as some insanely good stories and conversations about life, from podcast host and viral single girl Julia Mazur, who is here to give readers the best practices for handling Holiday relationship inquiries like a pro.
At 30 years old, the creator and previous longtime Tinder employee has quickly become the most prominent voice on the internet for celebrating singlehood. The Russian-Jewish podcast host is no stranger to harsh questioning and sly comments from her family about her own “marriage-and-babies timeline” – which grows significantly more abrasive this time of year.
Julia currently hosts the popular Pretty Much Done podcast where she welcomes experts, authors and celebrities who have experienced love lost and who are pretty much done settling for anything less than what they deserve.
With more and more women talking about the empowering reasons they remain single and giving the proverbial middle finger to the pressures of being attached to someone to find worth/happiness/stability, it’s time for a new narrative around relationships and dating.
We had the chance to ask Julia about her own family pressures, dealing with right wing trolls on social media, and focusing on the most important relationship we will ever have: our relationship with ourself.
What was the impetus for starting your popular podcast series ‘Pretty Much Done’, and what kind of message did you want to send?
I think some context as to how I grew up would be helpful; I grew up in a Russian Jewish household where a lot of the rhetoric from family and friends was that I should settle down, find a nice husband and have kids. I watched a lot of my friends get married and have children and found myself trying to do the same.
Society has adopted this idea that the ideal of happiness is a traditional marriage: get married in your 20s, have kids by 30, buy a house, but when I found myself in those “safe” and “good on paper” relationships I was deeply unhappy and unfulfilled because I felt like I was checking off a box to appease other people. Through that process, I realized that’s not the only thing that can make you feel fulfilled. There are other paths.
I’m 30 and single and feel very fulfilled by my life, my career, my friends, my family. So that’s really why I created my podcast, Pretty Much Done, because I want people to be pretty much done listening to the societal pressure and noise and be open to creating the lives that they want to live, for themselves, not because someone else told them it’s the way they should live but because it’s something that they want.
As a previous Tinder employee, you’ve had a first-hand look at the “relationships” industry (if that’s what it is called?). What were some of the most off-putting or surprising things you learned during this time?
I wouldn’t say there was anything off-putting, but I would say in general, through my various experiences with dating apps, I have seen that people are less intentional with how they are using them. I believe the swipe functionality has led to less meaningful connections unfortunately.
It feels like we are living in a moment where more and more women especially are speaking loud and proud about being single and child-free. Chelsea Handler has done it, and you have been very open about your own stance. What do you think has changed in the zeitgeist for this to happen?
Chelsea Handler has always been someone that I’ve looked up to, and I admire how unapologetically herself she is. I think women are realizing that there is not a “one-size fits all” approach to happiness and I believe that social media has played a big role in helping to steer this narrative.
I’ve interviewed people on my podcast who have made career shifts in their 40’s, gotten divorced, moved cities, and started new lives and are finding happiness on their own terms. People are seeing women share their happiness at all the stages of life that they’re in, and it’s allowing them to question whether the things they were told would bring them happiness actually do.
Of course every moment of progress comes with backlash, and your content was recently shared by a well-known right-wing provocateur, whose followers flooded your social media accounts with horrible comments. How did you deal with this, and what major lesson or “a-ha” moment did you realize from this incident?
Yes, unfortunately I received a barrage of backlash and hate for sharing a video of myself describing what my Saturday was like as a 29 year old woman who is single and doesn’t have kids yet. After his tweet, I received hundreds of comments telling me that my life was meaningless, questioning my gender, telling me not to leave my house, saying I should be sexually assaulted, and worse.
As soon as I realized that my video was tweeted to his 2.4 million followers and they flooded to my social media pages, I deleted the Tiktok app from my phone and went to the beach with my cousin and friend. The beach and the sunset always bring me peace and I tried my best to get back to myself and feel normal. I had family and friends supporting me and I felt extremely lucky to have the support system that I do.
What I learned from this whole experience was that as much as I thought the pressure to get married and have kids was a cultural thing, I realize it is actually such a pervasive message that society has placed on women. People are constantly scrutinizing women’s decisions when it comes to marriage and family. After experiencing the backlash I experienced, I felt so deeply rooted in the message that I am sharing on social media and through my podcast; to help women feel more secure in quieting the outside noise.
There’s a study that shows women who are married with kids die sooner than women who are not married and have no kids. This is…depressing. As someone who shares empowering messages about enjoying the single life, what are your thoughts on this?
That’s terrible. It makes me upset to hear that after sacrificing so much of ourselves, women die sooner than people who do not have children. As someone who believes in people carving out happiness for themselves, I would say that people should still live in the present and focus on staying fulfilled however that looks for them.
Who have been some of the most exciting guests you’ve had on the pod recently?
One of my favorite conversations I’ve had on the podcast was the conversation I had with Anna Kloots who is a NYT Best-selling author. Anna shared her story of getting divorced at 30, moving to Paris, and finding love in her apartment building like a real life Emily in Paris moment. I also loved my conversation with Case Kenny, who breaks down dating from a straight male perspective in his podcast, “New Mindset, Who Dis?”
I can’t wait for my conversation with Sabrina Zohar to come out as well. I just love all of the guests I have on the podcast; they all have their own perspectives and life stories and it helps me remember how unique and wonderful so many people in the space are.
How has your Russian-Jewish heritage played a role in pushing back on pressure to marry, settle down, have kids etc?
I grew up in a Russian Jewish household where a lot of the rhetoric from family and friends was that I should settle down, find a nice husband and have kids. My parents got married when they were 21 and 22, my sister got married at 25 and had her first child at 28. I watched a lot of my friends get married and have children and I tried to do the same, because I felt like if I couldn’t find someone who wanted to marry me, I was somehow flawed or unlovable.
As the holidays approach and folks begin to dread those uncomfortable family conversations, what advice would you give to readers about how to navigate these moments?
It’s a great question, and not something that I am immune to. First and foremost, I urge people to remind themselves that everything, and every moment in their life is happening just as it should. Doors open for us when we are most ready for them; whether that be a romantic partnership, a new career opportunity, a move, or any life milestone. I recommend people fill their own cup doing things they love and surrounding themselves with people that they love.
It’s through becoming the most authentic version of myself that I’ve found the most happiness and fulfillment. That being said, it doesn’t always feel great to be asked certain questions about your life, specifically questions pertaining to dating, so a few defaults I’ve enjoyed leaning on are, “I’m really enjoying dating myself right now,” and “I am truly happy where I am at, and trust that the right person is going to come along soon.”
Why is it important that we don’t settle for less than we deserve, and how do we get over societal pressures and fear-mongering about being single in order topursue our best?
One of the most dangerous places to be stuck in, is when we place our value on what other people think or believe of us. When we allow other people to dictate our value, we can no longer control how we feel about ourselves, and that is an exhausting and anxiety-inducing state of being. It is so important to get to a place where we realize how amazing and wonderful we are so we can be our best selves and attract like minded people into our lives.
We only get one shot at this life, and life is too short to be living a life that does not fulfill you, or makes you constantly question everyday.
You can subscribe and listen to Pretty Much Done on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and everywhere you get your podcasts. Follow Julia Mazur on Instagram.
