By Alison Levy
When I started writing my new YA fantasy novel ‘Magic by Any Other Name’, it wasn’t initially with the intention of conveying a healing message to readers. Writing has always been my way of coping with generalized anxiety; diving into a fictional world where I can shape the characters and events as I like provides a soothing counterbalance to my anxious mind. The first draft of this book was my emotional counterbalance to the turmoil I suffered shortly after I cut contact with the narcissistic parent who had manipulated me all of my life.
In the months and years that followed that difficult but life-changing decision, writing became a regular part of my recovery. By creating a main character who undergoes an emotional journey similar to my own, I was able to propel my recovery forward. My main character, a witch named Georgette, hasn’t yet made as much progress as I have. Georgette leaves her emotionally abusive family and starts building her own life but she is still carrying a lot of trauma. Though she has a long way to go, I enjoy walking her through the major milestones I’ve managed to reach.
When it comes to healing from emotional abuse, every person is different. What was helpful for me may not be ideal for everyone but there are a few bits of advice that I think would benefit many people recovering from emotional abuse. These things have been useful for me and I used them in my story to be part of Georgette’s healing.
1. When healing from emotional abuse, a support system is invaluable.
Many people, myself included, who grew up with a manipulative parent are not accustomed to opening up to others and relying on them for support. Part of recovery is learning to be your authentic self, which can be difficult. Make sure you have at least one person in your life who will embrace all parts of you and provide you with the unwavering support that you need.
For me, this is my husband; anytime I grapple with my trauma, he’s there to lift me up and help me stand tall. For Georgette, it’s her best friend, Mei-Xing. These two women have stood by each other for years providing steadfast support and being each other’s loving voice of reason in times of need. If you are escaping a life among people who tear you down, find someone who builds you up.
2. Therapy helps, therapy heals.
Emotional abuse messes with your head. It conditions you to constantly question your perception, your memory, and your ability to make a decision. The worst part is that if you’ve been submerged in an abusive environment for a long time, you may not identify the behaviors as abuse. I certainly didn’t and neither did Georgette. We both knew that we didn’t want to live in our childhood environment anymore but neither of us thought of that environment as abusive.
Therapy helps with this issue by recentering the survivor to a healthier mindset so they are better able to see abuse for what it is. Learning how to engage in better decision making and how to know your own worth is life changing. Several therapists over the have made me more comfortable with setting boundaries and recognizing red flags when I see them.
Georgette, in the course of starting a new life, also starts therapy, specifically she attends counseling sessions with a local curandero named Nico. This man, an apprentice traditional shamanic healer and psychology student, is uniquely qualified to help her. His guidance gives her some much-needed insight into her childhood.
3. Healing is hard work but it is rewarding
Time and distance are essential for healing from emotional abuse but they aren’t a cure-all. Good therapy works wonders but it doesn’t fix everything. True recovery takes work. It means remembering to do those breathing exercises the counselor told you about. It means shutting down that negative voice in your head when it pops into your thoughts. It means talking to your partner about what’s bothering you instead of letting those feelings fester.
Most of all, it means doing those things consistently every single time the need arises. It’s hard. It’s tiring. It’s not fun. But it works. Of all the issues I’ve struggled with during my healing process, one of the toughest is knowing my own worth. I wasn’t raised to have self-confidence, a trait I also wrote into Georgette’s character.
I still wrestle with it but with hard work I’ve seen steady improvement. Likewise, Georgette’s self-confidence steadily improves over the course of the book. And as her confidence grows stronger, so does her magic.
4. Recovery is not a straight line.
Even with supportive friends, therapy, and hard work, there will be ups and downs. Healing from emotional abuse is a “two steps forward, one step back” process so there will be good and bad days. For me, as well as for Georgette, there are days when the negative mental voice is so loud that it drowns out my own.
It can be challenging to keep working on personal growth when it feels like you’ve regressed. But there will be good days again. And the more consistent you are in working on your recovery, the more often you will have good days and the better those days will be.
Alison Levy lives in Greensboro, North Carolina with her husband, son, and variety of pets. She has previously published two urban fantasy books: “Gatekeeper” and “Blue Flame.” When she’s not writing or doing mom things, she crochets, gardens, and walks her collies. You can follow Alison on Facebook: @AlisonLevyAuthor | Twitter: @ALevyAuthor | Instagram: @alevyauthor, or visit her website.
